You’ve heard it on Oprah, you expect it from psychologists, emphatic managers are sometimes encouraged to ask it.
“How does that make you feel?” It’s an oh-so-common question. On the surface, the question seems innocuous–even well intended. Someone has a ‘bad’ experience; empathy gets marched out as an anti-dote. On the surface, it all makes sense.
But it’s a question that makes my head explode.
Why? Because the implication is that the person has no control over how they feel. That’s just wrong. Taken to its logical conclusion, it enables people to abdicate responsibility. It breeds victimhood.
Events trigger emotions. This is an automatic reaction—or that’s what most people believe. But that’s not really the way it works. Rather, emotions are determined by what we think about the event, not by the event itself. In other words, our interpretation of an event ultimately becomes the precursor to the emotion we experience.
For instance, the mandatory overtime Saturday work-day unexpectedly gets canceled by management. Tom is thrilled (he gets to play golf); while Mary is bummed (she needs the extra money). Same event— two completely different emotions. The event/circumstance didn’t make either one of them feel anything. It was Tom and Mary’s interpretation of the event that ultimately produced the emotion they assigned to it.
Don’t misunderstand, empathy is a very good thing. By all means ask folks how they feel….that will help them. Just don’t ask them how an event or circumstance made them feel. Good intent, bad question.
NOTE: this topic is covered in greater detail in chapter eleven of The Power of Professionalism and in chapter six in The Big AHA. Both reference the terrific work of Professor Seymour Epstein at the University of Massachusetts.
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