Have you ever…
***shared with your teenager your concerns about the perils of under-age drinking and driving?
***expressed your outrage to the check-out clerk about the skyrocketing cost of groceries?
***complained to your neighbor about how the country is going to hell?
And how many times have you gotten “I know” as a response?
“I know” is often code for ‘I don’t want to hear it.’ It’s largely a polite response, but one that doesn’t necessarily imply agreement. Maybe the person is uncomfortable with the subject or maybe they’re tired of your rants or maybe their response has been triggered by something else entirely.
The person isn’t saying ‘shut up’…isn’t telling you to ‘go away!’ — but sometimes that’s what they’re thinking. The person wants to change the subject or change their circumstance (e.g. like ditching you).
Of course this plays out in the workplace too.
***Your boss says “I know” the moment you open your mouth about why project XX should be an organizational priority.
***Your colleague says “I know” at the end of your explanation for the rational you used in hiring the non-traditional candidate who turned out to be an all-star.
***Your assistant says “I know” as you recite some arcane of piece of information you gleaned off the internet earlier that morning.
Each of these people is basically saying, “let’s move on…what you’re saying isn’t registering.”
Your boss is already convinced about the need for project XX, she wants to talk about ‘how’ the project moves forward. Your colleague is annoyed by your self-aggrandizement after hearing you tell the same hiring story (along with the implication of how clever you were) far too many times to count. And your assistant is basically telling you, “tell me something meaningful I don’t know”.
“I know” is code. It’s important to know the code!
What can we learn from this? When you hear “I know” it should tell you that you’re probably not getting through to the other person. In other words, you’re probably not having an impact with them.
To regain your interpersonal footing (and often credibility), you’ll need to shift gears. That might mean tuning in to the unspoken needs of the other party. Other times it means turning down our own rhetoric or asking more questions or just being a better listener. Or a million other things….
It’s true that an “I know” response may be prompted by the other person’s ‘stuff’ (i.e. their boredom, their impatience, their uneasiness, their sense of superiority, or a host of other factors). In the end, it doesn’t matter…because, regardless of the reason, you’re still not having an impact.
That said, if you’re on the receiving end of an “I know” response too often, you’re likely doing something that’s prompting it. The desire to change that situation starts with mind-set #3 (things get better when I do). From there, you’ve got to figure out what it is you need to change to get a different response. Our next post will share some helps.
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